Indian OR Christian
I never thought that Jesus was for me.
In fact, for most of my life, it never crossed my mind that I could follow anything besides Hinduism. It just seemed like a set attribute; a fact of my life. I was female. I was Indian American. I was Hindu. I saw being Hindu the same way I saw having brown eyes--it was a part of me but not really something I gave much thought to, and not something that could be changed.
Indian Christian?
I spent the early years of my life in a small rural town in northern California, which was not a very diverse place. Most of the folks I interacted with on a daily basis, aside from my family, were white and though I can’t say for sure, probably identified as Christians. My classmates, teachers, and neighbors all fell into this category. The other group of people who lived in the small slice of the world I was exposed to were more similar to me, Indian and Hindu. I saw them less frequently, maybe once a month for religious gatherings: pujas, garba during Navratri, and other various holidays. In my young mind, I had subconsciously mapped out a clear dichotomy based on what I knew and had experienced of the world: you were either white and Christian or Indian and Hindu. White Hindu? Never met one. Indian Christian? Never met one of those either.
Science, Smart Kids, and Shame
As I grew older, my world expanded as I was exposed to more ideas and people. By the time I was in high school, one idea really captivated me--science, and particularly biology. Where religion often left me with more questions, science gave me answers. Biology seemed better than any god, and the theory of evolution and Charles Darwin seemed like perfectly worthy idols to me.
I entered college as an eager freshman Biology major ready to learn what I could so that I could move on to the next thing. I believed college was like high school 2.0--a little more difficult and a little more fun. To my surprise and utter dismay, it turned out to be much more difficult than I had imagined. I went from being a big fish in a small pond to a very small fish in a very big pond filled with so many smart, talented, and confident big fish. On one hand, I was questioning my worth because I was always known as one of the “smart kids,” but now that title didn’t apply to me. I was getting C’s on exams and feeling a shame that I never had before. I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling, certainly not my parents. On the other hand, I was experiencing the most freedom I ever had in my life. I went to frat parties, drank for the first time, and in general wanted to experience all that college had to offer me. These things weren’t all that fun for me but they made people think I was kind of cool, and that definitely helped me numb the feelings of shame and guilt I felt about losing my smart kid status.
The Ugly Neon Green Shirt
At the same time, God was working in the background, preparing me to really meet him for the first time. It started with a simple encounter with a dude in an ugly neon green shirt on a super hot September afternoon at the enormous activities fair. He was trying to get students to fill out a stack of contact cards he was carrying. Out of pity, and in hopes that we could help him to finish sooner and get out of the heat, my friend and I filled out a card. As I skimmed over the contents, I realized it seemed to be for some religious club. It had a few questions like “What’s your spiritual background?” and “What’s your spiritual interest level?” I answered those questions with “Hindu” and a 1 out of 5. I didn’t want them to contact me, but, of course, they did anyway.
An intern from the Christian club (which I found out was called InterVarsity) came to speak to me because she was leading a ministry in my dorm building. To my genuine surprise, she was actually really cool, and we connected very quickly and easily. I felt an even stronger connection with her when we learned that we were from the same small town in northern California! As we interacted more, one of the things that stood out to me about her was that she never pushed her message of Jesus on me. She took the time to get to know me and my background by asking me about Hinduism and what it meant to me. Over the span of a few weeks, we continued to go deeper with questions about faith and spirituality. She asked me questions like why I didn’t believe in God, which helped me figure out that it was because I’d never really needed God. I’d never experienced anything that was too much to handle on my own. Sure, I’d faced disappointment and loneliness and other painful things, but nothing ever seemed bad enough for me to call on God. God always seemed like a distant figure, and I had never imagined having a relationship with him. It was deep and genuine conversations like these that helped me realize I felt no real or personal connection with Hinduism. For the first time in my life, I could actually have meaningful conversations about faith rather than just being told what to believe.
Soul Thirst
I met and built trust with other interns and leaders within InterVarsity who cared for me as if I was their family. Their selfless friendship was unlike anything I’d experienced before. I trusted them, so when they invited me to a gathering specifically for people who don’t yet follow Jesus, I felt comfortable saying yes. The speaker that night focused on an idea of "soul thirst" and talked about a Biblical passage where Jesus encounters a Samaritan woman at a well.* He spoke about his own story of coming to faith and how he’d thirsted for good grades and popularity before following Jesus. Unlike me, he actually did achieve those things, but they didn’t satisfy him. He eventually found Jesus and true joy in the relationship as he pursued the things that God led him to.
He had everything that he thought he wanted yet it still didn’t fill the emptiness. I really resonated with this: chasing after good grades and popularity left me feeling more tired and empty than satisfied. That night God used the stories of the Samaritan woman and the speaker to get my attention and let me know that there was more for me to get out of my time in college. I left feeling that there was more to Jesus than I originally thought.
What Jesus Offered
After that, I decided to go all-in and actually get to the bottom of this Christianity thing. I started going to Bible study two to three times a week, and I continued going to the weekly large group. I wanted to see what Jesus had to offer me, and it seemed like studying scripture was the most direct way to find out what Jesus is all about. As I was exposed to more and more scripture, I saw how different Jesus was from my previous ideas of God and religion. I learned that Jesus loved people on the margins. He drew near to those who society considered to be the dirtiest, most broken, untouchable people, and wanted them to heal. Not only that, but he wanted to involve me in sharing his love with others. He wanted a relationship with me. All in all, I felt cared for and seen by him.
I fell in love with the Jesus I met in scripture, and I wanted to follow Him, but the problem was that I still didn’t completely believe he was God. I loved Jesus’ character, but I didn’t know if He was real. So, I started praying and asking Jesus to reveal Himself. Though He would give me little signs here and there, I would overlook them as just coincidences.
A few weeks later, my friend invited me to another event for students who were curious about Jesus. It would be a three-day retreat on an island with no cell service, which sounds daunting but ended up being a huge blessing. With all of the other voices and worries out of the picture, reflection and hearing from God were so much easier. I noticed how learning about Christianity had brought me genuine friendships, peace in the midst of battling life-long insecurities, and this new image of a God who is always near and interested in me rather than distant and silent. Recognizing His overwhelming presence in my life, I was finally ready to commit my life to Him.
The Phone Call
Going back to campus after that retreat, I was filled with so much freedom, joy, and love. My friends and I celebrated my new commitment to Jesus but a deep-seated fear lingered. I had made a huge life decision without my parents knowing. While this decision was deeply personal and something I was proud of, I knew that it would affect the people who were closest to me.
I have never been more nervous and anxious than the time between when I made the decision to follow Jesus and when I told my parents. I went back home for spring break, and I decided that I had to tell them. I expected this would cause tension with my parents, but I didn’t know to what extent. Would they force me to denounce my Christian faith? Would they forbid me from going back to college? Would they disown me? All of these felt like very real possibilities, but I was determined to stand strong in my faith. I prayed throughout that whole week while I was at home. I texted my friends daily and had them all praying for me. I wondered at every interaction if it was the right moment. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to tell them--not in person at least. So I wrote a letter detailing my decision and what led me to it. I left it on my bed before they dropped me off at the train station.
For the entire six-hour train ride, I anxiously awaited their phone call while frantically writing another letter--this one was in my journal and addressed to God. In it, I thanked Him for the love that He had shown me and committed myself to Him no matter what the response from my parents might be. I returned to my dorm and kept myself busy so I wouldn’t think about my parents’ response. My heart sank when my mom texted later in the evening--she wanted me to call her.
That conversation left a mark on me that I don’t think will ever be erased. Even now as I think back on it, my eyes are filled with tears. A lot was said. I expected anger; however, what I received was deep sadness and grief. That was more painful than anger ever could be. My mom told me she was in shock--she couldn’t eat the entire day. She asked why I made this decision. She asked what she had done wrong that I would leave Hinduism and seek out something else. I cried throughout that whole phone call and for hours afterward. I didn’t regret my decision, but my heart was broken from causing my mom so much pain.
Indian AND Christian
Over time, I gained more of an understanding of why my decision to follow Jesus was so painful for my parents. A large part of it was that they equated me walking away from Hinduism with walking away from my Indian heritage and the values they had worked so hard to instill in me. This clarity, in some ways, brought even more pain for me because we saw my relationship with Jesus through two completely different lenses. They thought I was pushing my Indian identity aside, but, in reality, I was seeing the beauty of my ethnic identity clearly for the first time. It was no longer something arbitrary about me but something that was deeply important to God. With Jesus, religion was no longer a barrier separating different people groups from each other, but about the one true God who promised to gather people from every nation, tribe, people, and language. My parents have not yet grasped that Jesus is not just the God of white people, but he is God of all people, including the South Asian people.
A Trustworthy God
On my journey of coming to know and follow Jesus, I have had my fair share of trials and pain, but my relationship with Jesus, my Christian community, and my understanding of myself have all grown immensely. My hope is that my story can be a testimony of how life with Jesus is not easy, but it is worth it. I believe that everyone owes it to themselves to make an adult decision about Jesus, whether they want Him to be a part of their lives or not. What I can say is that knowing Jesus has opened the door for a fuller and more beautiful life. Through prayer I am able to lay my burdens at the feet of an all-powerful and all-loving God who wants to help me. Through worship my soul cries out to my Creator with all of my praise and joy. Through community I am able to see glimpses of the heart of God through the way that people lay down their own lives and desires for others. Through scripture I have received the greatest advice, profound wisdom, and honestly a lot of entertainment. My relationship with Jesus has transformed my life, and now, over six years later, I still consider it the best decision I ever made.
*To learn more about the Samaritan woman’s story you can read Chapter Four in the Gospel according to John
In fact, for most of my life, it never crossed my mind that I could follow anything besides Hinduism. It just seemed like a set attribute; a fact of my life. I was female. I was Indian American. I was Hindu. I saw being Hindu the same way I saw having brown eyes--it was a part of me but not really something I gave much thought to, and not something that could be changed.
Indian Christian?
I spent the early years of my life in a small rural town in northern California, which was not a very diverse place. Most of the folks I interacted with on a daily basis, aside from my family, were white and though I can’t say for sure, probably identified as Christians. My classmates, teachers, and neighbors all fell into this category. The other group of people who lived in the small slice of the world I was exposed to were more similar to me, Indian and Hindu. I saw them less frequently, maybe once a month for religious gatherings: pujas, garba during Navratri, and other various holidays. In my young mind, I had subconsciously mapped out a clear dichotomy based on what I knew and had experienced of the world: you were either white and Christian or Indian and Hindu. White Hindu? Never met one. Indian Christian? Never met one of those either.
Science, Smart Kids, and Shame
As I grew older, my world expanded as I was exposed to more ideas and people. By the time I was in high school, one idea really captivated me--science, and particularly biology. Where religion often left me with more questions, science gave me answers. Biology seemed better than any god, and the theory of evolution and Charles Darwin seemed like perfectly worthy idols to me.
I entered college as an eager freshman Biology major ready to learn what I could so that I could move on to the next thing. I believed college was like high school 2.0--a little more difficult and a little more fun. To my surprise and utter dismay, it turned out to be much more difficult than I had imagined. I went from being a big fish in a small pond to a very small fish in a very big pond filled with so many smart, talented, and confident big fish. On one hand, I was questioning my worth because I was always known as one of the “smart kids,” but now that title didn’t apply to me. I was getting C’s on exams and feeling a shame that I never had before. I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling, certainly not my parents. On the other hand, I was experiencing the most freedom I ever had in my life. I went to frat parties, drank for the first time, and in general wanted to experience all that college had to offer me. These things weren’t all that fun for me but they made people think I was kind of cool, and that definitely helped me numb the feelings of shame and guilt I felt about losing my smart kid status.
The Ugly Neon Green Shirt
At the same time, God was working in the background, preparing me to really meet him for the first time. It started with a simple encounter with a dude in an ugly neon green shirt on a super hot September afternoon at the enormous activities fair. He was trying to get students to fill out a stack of contact cards he was carrying. Out of pity, and in hopes that we could help him to finish sooner and get out of the heat, my friend and I filled out a card. As I skimmed over the contents, I realized it seemed to be for some religious club. It had a few questions like “What’s your spiritual background?” and “What’s your spiritual interest level?” I answered those questions with “Hindu” and a 1 out of 5. I didn’t want them to contact me, but, of course, they did anyway.
An intern from the Christian club (which I found out was called InterVarsity) came to speak to me because she was leading a ministry in my dorm building. To my genuine surprise, she was actually really cool, and we connected very quickly and easily. I felt an even stronger connection with her when we learned that we were from the same small town in northern California! As we interacted more, one of the things that stood out to me about her was that she never pushed her message of Jesus on me. She took the time to get to know me and my background by asking me about Hinduism and what it meant to me. Over the span of a few weeks, we continued to go deeper with questions about faith and spirituality. She asked me questions like why I didn’t believe in God, which helped me figure out that it was because I’d never really needed God. I’d never experienced anything that was too much to handle on my own. Sure, I’d faced disappointment and loneliness and other painful things, but nothing ever seemed bad enough for me to call on God. God always seemed like a distant figure, and I had never imagined having a relationship with him. It was deep and genuine conversations like these that helped me realize I felt no real or personal connection with Hinduism. For the first time in my life, I could actually have meaningful conversations about faith rather than just being told what to believe.
Soul Thirst
I met and built trust with other interns and leaders within InterVarsity who cared for me as if I was their family. Their selfless friendship was unlike anything I’d experienced before. I trusted them, so when they invited me to a gathering specifically for people who don’t yet follow Jesus, I felt comfortable saying yes. The speaker that night focused on an idea of "soul thirst" and talked about a Biblical passage where Jesus encounters a Samaritan woman at a well.* He spoke about his own story of coming to faith and how he’d thirsted for good grades and popularity before following Jesus. Unlike me, he actually did achieve those things, but they didn’t satisfy him. He eventually found Jesus and true joy in the relationship as he pursued the things that God led him to.
He had everything that he thought he wanted yet it still didn’t fill the emptiness. I really resonated with this: chasing after good grades and popularity left me feeling more tired and empty than satisfied. That night God used the stories of the Samaritan woman and the speaker to get my attention and let me know that there was more for me to get out of my time in college. I left feeling that there was more to Jesus than I originally thought.
What Jesus Offered
After that, I decided to go all-in and actually get to the bottom of this Christianity thing. I started going to Bible study two to three times a week, and I continued going to the weekly large group. I wanted to see what Jesus had to offer me, and it seemed like studying scripture was the most direct way to find out what Jesus is all about. As I was exposed to more and more scripture, I saw how different Jesus was from my previous ideas of God and religion. I learned that Jesus loved people on the margins. He drew near to those who society considered to be the dirtiest, most broken, untouchable people, and wanted them to heal. Not only that, but he wanted to involve me in sharing his love with others. He wanted a relationship with me. All in all, I felt cared for and seen by him.
I fell in love with the Jesus I met in scripture, and I wanted to follow Him, but the problem was that I still didn’t completely believe he was God. I loved Jesus’ character, but I didn’t know if He was real. So, I started praying and asking Jesus to reveal Himself. Though He would give me little signs here and there, I would overlook them as just coincidences.
A few weeks later, my friend invited me to another event for students who were curious about Jesus. It would be a three-day retreat on an island with no cell service, which sounds daunting but ended up being a huge blessing. With all of the other voices and worries out of the picture, reflection and hearing from God were so much easier. I noticed how learning about Christianity had brought me genuine friendships, peace in the midst of battling life-long insecurities, and this new image of a God who is always near and interested in me rather than distant and silent. Recognizing His overwhelming presence in my life, I was finally ready to commit my life to Him.
The Phone Call
Going back to campus after that retreat, I was filled with so much freedom, joy, and love. My friends and I celebrated my new commitment to Jesus but a deep-seated fear lingered. I had made a huge life decision without my parents knowing. While this decision was deeply personal and something I was proud of, I knew that it would affect the people who were closest to me.
I have never been more nervous and anxious than the time between when I made the decision to follow Jesus and when I told my parents. I went back home for spring break, and I decided that I had to tell them. I expected this would cause tension with my parents, but I didn’t know to what extent. Would they force me to denounce my Christian faith? Would they forbid me from going back to college? Would they disown me? All of these felt like very real possibilities, but I was determined to stand strong in my faith. I prayed throughout that whole week while I was at home. I texted my friends daily and had them all praying for me. I wondered at every interaction if it was the right moment. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to tell them--not in person at least. So I wrote a letter detailing my decision and what led me to it. I left it on my bed before they dropped me off at the train station.
For the entire six-hour train ride, I anxiously awaited their phone call while frantically writing another letter--this one was in my journal and addressed to God. In it, I thanked Him for the love that He had shown me and committed myself to Him no matter what the response from my parents might be. I returned to my dorm and kept myself busy so I wouldn’t think about my parents’ response. My heart sank when my mom texted later in the evening--she wanted me to call her.
That conversation left a mark on me that I don’t think will ever be erased. Even now as I think back on it, my eyes are filled with tears. A lot was said. I expected anger; however, what I received was deep sadness and grief. That was more painful than anger ever could be. My mom told me she was in shock--she couldn’t eat the entire day. She asked why I made this decision. She asked what she had done wrong that I would leave Hinduism and seek out something else. I cried throughout that whole phone call and for hours afterward. I didn’t regret my decision, but my heart was broken from causing my mom so much pain.
Indian AND Christian
Over time, I gained more of an understanding of why my decision to follow Jesus was so painful for my parents. A large part of it was that they equated me walking away from Hinduism with walking away from my Indian heritage and the values they had worked so hard to instill in me. This clarity, in some ways, brought even more pain for me because we saw my relationship with Jesus through two completely different lenses. They thought I was pushing my Indian identity aside, but, in reality, I was seeing the beauty of my ethnic identity clearly for the first time. It was no longer something arbitrary about me but something that was deeply important to God. With Jesus, religion was no longer a barrier separating different people groups from each other, but about the one true God who promised to gather people from every nation, tribe, people, and language. My parents have not yet grasped that Jesus is not just the God of white people, but he is God of all people, including the South Asian people.
A Trustworthy God
On my journey of coming to know and follow Jesus, I have had my fair share of trials and pain, but my relationship with Jesus, my Christian community, and my understanding of myself have all grown immensely. My hope is that my story can be a testimony of how life with Jesus is not easy, but it is worth it. I believe that everyone owes it to themselves to make an adult decision about Jesus, whether they want Him to be a part of their lives or not. What I can say is that knowing Jesus has opened the door for a fuller and more beautiful life. Through prayer I am able to lay my burdens at the feet of an all-powerful and all-loving God who wants to help me. Through worship my soul cries out to my Creator with all of my praise and joy. Through community I am able to see glimpses of the heart of God through the way that people lay down their own lives and desires for others. Through scripture I have received the greatest advice, profound wisdom, and honestly a lot of entertainment. My relationship with Jesus has transformed my life, and now, over six years later, I still consider it the best decision I ever made.
*To learn more about the Samaritan woman’s story you can read Chapter Four in the Gospel according to John